Nancy the Dreadnaught Ch. 5: Squidspheres, Assassins, and Edgelords
a.k.a. here's where new subscribers to the newsletter may get really confused.
Hi Folks!
It's time for the next chapter of Nancy the Insecure Dreadnaught (a.k.a. here's where new subscribers to the newsletter may get really confused.)
For new subscribers, the full background for this novella-in-progress is here:
Nancy the Insecure Dreadnaught Ch. 1 (where I chat about how this story came about in the first place.)
But the short version is that this novella began as a happy goofy thing written on a boat, and I decided to continue it. I hope you don't find it too silly. But silly is kind of the point.
In any case Nancy is great break from my forthcoming novel and other things I am writing! :) For those new to Nancyverse, you may want give the previous chapters a read--they read fast! :)
I plan for this novella to go for 12 chapters, and hopefully it can be epically epic enough to forever live in the hearts of those whose lives that were forever changed by Nancy's epic epicness.
Or who knows what else?
Anyway--here we go. Nancy the Insecure Dreadnaught, Ch. 5. Please be kind to yourselves.
Much love,
✨ Ryka
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CHAPTER 5
“Nancy, to the bridge, please report!”
“Already there, Captain Eyrus,” Nancy said, and she was.
The Edgelords brooded and raged on the screen before them.
“REPEAT! Unidentified Kara-Val dreadnaught! Cease thy insignificant prattle!” foreboded the Edgelords.
“Channels open.”
“Yes, sir,” said Ensign Aldyn the Communications Officer.
“Captain Eyrus of the School ship Nancy this is.”
There was an awkward pause.
“What?”
Captain Eyrus straightened his cap. “Captain Eyrus of the School ship Nancy this is. Please the reason for your aggression state. You mistaken must be. Prattling we not were.”
There was a more awkward pause.
“What?”
“I your actions not do understand. We a school ship just are.”
This time Captain Eyrus punctuated his words with gestures. Unfortunately, SOVishish gestures follow SOVishish grammar, and so…
There was a yet even more awkward pause.
“Are you mocking us?” one of the Edgelords finally exclaimed. “There are three of us surrounding you. All of us are darkness. Are you too ignorant to know what that implies?”
“Actually, I no idea what you are talking about have—” Captain Eyrus said.
“Well, let me tell you what it implies—it implies that you are surrounded by darkness.”
-
“No no! I, with you just to confused less be…want.”
There was an awkward pause. Not as awkward as the last one, but more awkward that the other two.
“Dare you speak nonsense in our presence? Our presence of ineffable darkness? Our patience grows weary, and our seats wear thin! Edgelords, prepare to unleash—”
“Look Edgelords,” Nancy cut them off. “Before you unleash the darkness, please understand that Captain Eyrus is SOVishish. He speaks in the pattern Subject-Object-Verb, for the most part, albeit with some annoying personal liberties.
“Subject-Verb-what? What is this nonsense we hear? Whilst thou were being indoctrinated as starsheep, we seekers of true knowledge were plotting the overthrow of reality itself!”
“Great. You’d think they’d have at least taken freshman English,” Nancy muttered.
“Nancy, what we should do?” Captain Eyrus whispered.
“Don’t worry” Nancy winked. “I have a plan.”
-
Nancy’s form dissolved into charming sparkles. When she reappeared, she was smiling and wearing her sparkly idol costume.
“And how are you boys doing today?”
“Uh…wait a second.” Suddenly the main screen went dead.
“Nancy what happening is?”
“Shhh…” Nancy smiled sneakily. “I’ve already hacked into their interfleet communications…Ah, they are even displaying their user names. Want to see?”
A second screen appeared, displaying the confidential interfleet channel of the three Edgelord ships.
“Holy shit it’s a girl.” His screen said G@ry (the Bearer of the Forgotten Tome).
“It’s not a real girl. It’s an AI girl. Did you see all the sparkles?” His name was Tylər_L1m (the Bloody Hand of Destiny).
“I don’t care. Someone else talk. I-I can’t talk to waifus.” And this was cHrI5 (All-Knowing Master of Death).
“Wait—let’s let Tyler talk to h-her.”
“Why me?”
“You had a girlfriend once, right?”
🚀✨🐙🤦♂️
“Captain, the Edgelords are hailing once more.”
“It on screen put.”
“Captain, they are transmitting audio only.”
“Audio only?”
“We have returned with news of your fate!” a booming, overly processed voice said.
“Hello-hello? Tyyyyler? Bloody Hand of Destiny? It’s Nancy again. Can you cut down the reverb? It’s hurting our ears.”
“Uh…sure.”
“And might you turn your viewscreen on, I’d really like to see you!”
“Um…I, um, I can’t—I need to comb my hair.”
“Oh, that’s too bad! Anyway, it’s really so nice to meet you! I apologize for the misunderstanding, but I’m sure we can work it out, right?”
Meanwhile, the sidescreen chatter continued.
“Oh crap, she’s using kawaii!”
“Careful, she might be a yandere. What color is her hair, is it pink? That’s code for yanderes, you know.”
“Come on, everyone, we can do this. She’s not a real girl.”
“She’s not, but I am,” another voice said firmly.
“Another girl?!” the commlink wailed. There was shuffling about, then once again, the Edgelord commlink went dead.
-
“Miss Bunn?”
“I am sorry to disturb you, but while we were in class, one of the youngsters’ science projects detected an anomalous hyperspace displacement, at 19.3 starsecs, bearing 167.9 mark 23.22. We were hoping that your sensors might identify the source.”
“Of course,” Nancy shifted her sensors toward Miss Bunn’s coordinates. “Well…this is not good.”
“You have identified it?” Miss Bunn asked.
“Yes. It’s a squidsphere.”
“Is this bad?
“It not good is. We them before have seen. Unpleasant and unreasonable they are,” said Captain Eyrus.
“They are extradimensional life forms from the abyss, bent on wanton destruction, spouting the usual melodrama of we once were and once more again shall be…”
Nancy paused. Was overwrought posturing some sort of theme today?
“Anyway, an unarmed school ship has little chance against a squidsphere. I say we go the other way. Space is a big place, after all—and there is more than one way to get to Azamon Prime. Captain Eyrus, what if we—"
“SILENCE!” Tylər_L1m (the Bloody Hand of Destiny) warned sternly. “How dare you ignore the will of those about to pronounce your most dire fate?”
“Please Tyler, for now, can you please be quiet?”
“Be quiet?”
“A squidsphere has manifested from the abyss. You can verify the disturbance on your long-range sensors yourselves.”
“A squidsphere? From the abyss? Check it ourselves?”
“Look, you do you. But we need to evacuate this area right now!”
“Evacuate right now? HA! Edgelords do not evacuate right now,” declared Tylər_L1m (the Bloody Hand of Destiny).
“Oh Edgelords, shall we show this squidball what it means to disturb such a darkness, which when you look into, will sometimes look back?”
-
And then on their interfleet channel:
“Yes! Yes! The girl can wait!” intoned G@ry (the Bearer of the Forgotten Tome). “
“And the other girl too,” appended the cHrI5 (All-Knowing Master of Death).
“She’s a spacebunnygirlperson,” whispered G@ry (the Bearer of the Forgotten Tome).
“I’ve never talked to a spacebunnygirlperson either,” revealed cHrI5 (All-Knowing Master of Death).
“Boys? Boys?”
Nancy tried to interrupt. “Three Langostinos have little chance against a squidsphere! Boys! I said three…”
“Ha! Ye of little faith. After we vanquish the squidball, we shall return to deal with those such as you!”
And then, the Edgelord corsairs warped out to vanquish the squidsphere.
🚀✨🐙🤦♂️
“Well, they have enthusiasm; I’ll give them that.” Miss Bunn said. “So, your decision is to evacuate.”
“Yes. On board we children have. We them must protect.” Captain Eyrus tapped his skull. “I what was in the webinar said remember.”
Nancy veered away slowly and smoothly. The trick was to blend in with the currents of space. Squidspheres were very sensitive to sudden changes in the continuum. Even at this distance, Nancy would be cautious. They had children on board.
Gradually build speed. Gradually. Be as space water….
-
“Captain! We are receiving an urgent message from the Edgelords. They are approaching us at high warp.”
“WHAT?”
“RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!” the Corsairs said.
And behind them, was the tentacled abomination known as the squidsphere. And it was furious.
“You IDIOTS!” Nancy screamed. “Why did you lead it HERE!?”
“Uh…we’re sorry,” declared Tylər_L1m (the Bloody Hand of Destiny).
-
“Shields raise! Frequencies scramble!” Captain Eyrus said. “Chief Engineer Russo! Without weapons, we every bit of power to shields will need!”
“Aye, Captain,” Chief Engineer Hrb-e Rss-uo said.
Shit shit shit.
Those fools attacked the squidsphere, provoked it, and now…
“Miss Bunn! Please protect the children—prepare them for evacuation. Miss Bunn?”
But Miss Bunn had already disappeared.
She was one step ahead, as always.
-
Nancy activated the intercom “Dr. Threetone! Dr. Tommy Threetone 978641-Ten!”
“Yes, this is Dr. Threetone!”
“We need those fancy weapons online now. I don’t care about secrecy or protocol. The lives of these children—of YOU—children are at stake!”
“I can’t, Nancy.”
“Did you not hear me, Dr. Threetone? Look outside! There is an angry squidsphere out there right now and we’ve got no weapons!”
“I did hear you. I am sorry, but I cannot. The weapons are proximity locked—they will activate only when we approach our final destination.”
Even More Shit…
🚀✨🐙🤦♂️
The squidsphere was approaching, even now. They could see a writhing mass of tentacles, colors that did not quite fit our reality, and a malevolence that pierced the vacuum of space like a needle through an old sock.
Nancy closed her eyes.
“Captain Eyrus, our ship is beginning to sparkle!”
“What? Nancy! What you doing are?”
“We need to save the children. Please give the order to evacuate the ship. I will turn on maximum sparkle, and draw them away from you.
“Nancy! You’re unarmed—you’ll be destroyed!”
“It happens. There’s no reason for any of you or the rest of the crew to endanger yourselves. I can perform this task autonomously. Now please give the order to evacuate captain—there are plenty of escape pods—especially since I was decommissioned.
“I’m sorry Dr. Threetone, you’ll have to find yourself another school ship to fulfill your mission.”
Captain Eyrus blinked and wiped his eyes.
“ATTENTION CREW! To abandon—”
“CAPTAIN! A vessel has just launched—from Shuttle Bay Four,” Chief Engineer Hrb-e Rss-uo said.
“What? Shuttle Bay Four—that bay non-operational is.”
“Onscreen!”
-
“Nancy? What do you think it is?”
“It--it looks to be a Despair-class fighter. But not quite the same.”
The Despair-class fighters were the latest and deadliest fighter in the Imperial Empire of the Kara-Val. They were fast, stealthy, agile, with firepower never-before-seen in a fighter.
But this was a single fighter. And the squidsphere was the size of a moon.
“Unidentified fighter, identify yourself!”
The viewscreen flashed to reveal Miss Bunn.
“Nancy the School Ship, I am an elite assassin of her Imperial Majesty, Emprex Dasani of the Space Empire of Kara-Val. If it is alive, I can kill it.”
“But Miss Bunn, that’s an entire squidsphere.”
“Yes, it is. Miss Bunn out.”
Nancy watched as the fighter flew to the heart of the squidsphere.
-
“Maximum magnification!” Captain Eyrus said.
The viewscreen shifted. Nancy and the crew watched in amazement as the fighter dodged tentacle after tentacle.
Then, the squidsphere used its antineutron ray—the fighter paused, flipped, and avoided the blast completely.
And then, the fighter changed. Jets pulled in, arms and sprung out. Legs formed.
“Eyrus! Look! The fighter has a mecha battloid mode!”
As a mecha, Miss Bunn would have far more flexibility—but as the cost of speed and overall maneuverability.
How could the mecha keep dodging and still attack?
But somehow, the mecha did just that. It dodged and fired, and dodged and fired, jabbing the squidsphere again and again.
But what could a single mecha do to an entire squidsphere?
“Captain! Look!” Ensign Aldyn said. “The squidsphere’s colors—are changing.”
The squidsphere seemed to shudder, as its tentacles became mottled purples and greens. Veins seemed to appear, and it quivered and raged.
The mecha transformed back into darted away.
-
And then, with a tortured moan, the squidsphere dissolved into a fetid cloud of interdimensional protoplasm.
“I told you. If it is alive. I can kill it.” Miss Bunn said. Permission to come aboard.
“Permission granted,” Captain Eyrus said, inverting his own diction.
🚀✨🐙🤦♂️
Nancy, Captain Eyrus, and Dr. Threetone greeted Miss Bunn in Shuttle Bay Four. Dr. Threetone said Miss Bunn had specifically requested use of Shuttle Bay Four—not even he knew about the fighter.
No. Make that fighters.
There were at least two dozen fighters here. And entire squadron.
And one had landed now.
Miss Bunn exited and took off her helmet.
“I had little doubt that the star poison would be effective. But I was not exactly sure how. Thank goodness the squidsphere did not explode. That would have been nasty…”
“Miss Bunn! Thank you!” Nancy said.
“I am an Assassin in service to her Imperial Majesty, Emprex Dasani of the Space Empire of Kara-Val," Miss Bunn said simply.
“Aye, that you are.” Captain Eyrus said. “Still, that you also such an amazing pilot are—no idea we had!”
“A pilot? I’m not a pilot. But she is.”
A second figure emerged from the fighter and took off her helmet.
“Hello Nancy,” the figure said softly.
“Why…hello, Annika Snowpea.”
Thank you so much! Please subscribe! :)
*WORMHOLE BACKWARD TO NANCY CHAPTER 4*
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Next Week: Live Long and Fire: AK-15s, Dr. Spock, and Why Your Phaser Doesn't have a Detachable Clip
Cover: Photo by me! A Robotech Veritech Valkyrie from SDCC2022. It's not Miss Bunn, but I still need to figure out how to draw a mecha. Stay tuned!